It's Mother's Day. My daughter, Cori, was born the day before Mother's Day, May 11, 1991. The following morning, the nurse wheeled her bassinet into my hospital room. There was a pink sign with a yellow sun on it that read "Happy Mother's Day!" And, indeed it was. A couple of days later, I was sitting with her in the rocking chair in her new nursery at home. I remember so clearly thinking: "Now what do I do?"
Well, my daughter turns 19 in two days. There were countless times since that first day she came home that I asked myself that same question: "Now what?..." But we must have done something right.
Cori is living on her own (and so far hasn't been arrested!!) After supporting her for a year, I am now teaching her to pay some of her own bills. Last week, we met and she said: "Okay, I have $200 to pay bills today." So she is learning the value of paying for your needs before paying for your wants.
She just completed 32 credit hours at OCC and is transferring to OU in the fall. She called me today and was very upset that she only has a B+ GPA, and she was asking if OU would still accept her. When she learned that not only would they accept her, but that her grades had earned her a scholarship, she didn't feel so bad.
Cori also got herself a puppy for her birthday. Before getting the puppy, she found out the costs for vaccinations and a spay, as well as other expenses for bringing home a new dog. I didn't even have to ask. By the time she called me to tell me her plans, she had thought it all through. She has had the puppy for a week now. Yesterday she called, asking for advice, when she realized that it can be hard to be totally responsible for another living being, even though it happens to be "cute and cuddly". She said she was tired and all she wanted to do was rest, so she put puppy on the bed where she can keep an eye on her. Now you and I both know what happened next. Puppy peed on the bed. So much for rest... I assured her that puppy was only doing what puppies can be expected to do... and that it would not last forever... and that she was "a good Mom".. and hang in there. (And okay, I was silently thinking Thank God it's only a puppy! If you have a daughter who is a young adult, I know you were thinking the same thing.)
So this Mother's Day, I'm realize: "She turned out alright." Not only is she a good kid, she is really a human being to be proud of, by anyone's standards. Now so you don't think she was just a privileged kid from the start, I can say "No, that is not the case" and leave it at that. Some days we wondered if either of us would come out alive.
So whether your kids are two, or twenty-two, or fourty-two; stand by them. When they get it wrong, gently tell them so. When they get it right, really tell them so. And when you know that they need to figure it out themselves, tell them nothing and let them figure it out themselves... so you don't have to come back later with the proverbial "I told you so..."
So, Happy Mother's Day. Be proud of the moments you get it right. Be gentle with the moments you get it wrong. I will all be worth while. I told you so...
And did you know that the Birmingham Mother's Center meets in our chapel, and that their focus is on supporting mothers of kids who are in college or who are heading off to college? If you want more information, call me.
In the Meantime Be Well, Rev. Sherry
Do you have kids? I invite you to take a moment to ask yourself a question.
I know how demanding it is to take care of the children. The time...the energy...the cooking...the homework...the constant chauffeur service...and the endless mounds of laundry!! Then there are the teachable moments of trying to help them figure out right from wrong and good from bad. Find time to add in your career, your house, and your many other obligations and the very thought of it all is exhausting.
So back to my question. Has taking care of the kids trumped taking care of your relationship with your spouse or significant other? I'm guessing many of you did not have to think for very long to find the answer.
So what can you do? You are not Superwoman (despite what they told you in your Women's Studies class in undergrad...)
Try this. Close the door. I was speaking with a friend who told me that since she and her husband have started closing their bedroom door at night, their relationship has improved. No; not because they have more sex, although maybe they are. I didn't ask. Rather, it is because the simple act of closing the door makes them, and their relationship, important again. In such a subtle way, it reminds them that they are a couple.
I invite you to try closing the door. Of course your children's ages and needs will shape how you can do this. If you can begin with just 20 minutes a couple of times a week, this will probably make a bigger difference than you can image. Put an age appropriate sign on the door and talk to your kids about having time for yourselves. Make the sign say something like: "Knock only in case of emergency. Emergency means fire or blood." You get the point...
I remember reading once about an adult woman who said that all of the years she was growing up, her parents practiced this principle for one hour each and every evening throughout her entire childhood. They must have done something right. Their daughter is now middle-aged, and the parents are happily married still....
Wouldn't you like to have the same?
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
As part of our continued growth and ongoing desire to be supportive to our couples; both before the wedding and as your marriage unfolds, we have invited a few friends and colleagues to receive our free blog updates by email.
You will get a good idea of the variety of topics we will share if you look at the Posts by Category headings located in the lower right-hand section of our main blog page. For now, you will just see titles there. In the coming days, I will be re-sorting our current posts so you can easily find these in the categries that may be of interest to you. Upcoming blog entries will also fall into these categories.
Feel free to share our blog entries by email or social networking if you wish to share something with a friend. As always, we are not trying to sell anything to you, so of course you may un-subscribe at any time. But stay with us for a bit and see what you may find; whether you are planning your wedding, newly married, or have an interest in relationships and couples.
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
Passover is upon us and I am reminded how participating in traditions we have been a part of over the years holds a special place in our hearts. I also am reminded how complicated celebrating holidays can be when we start combining our lives together as one.
So many families today are blending so many traditions. So many brides and grooms today come from different cultural backgrounds. Or they have different religious observations. So many families today have children from prior marriages. How do the kids find time to go with Dad (or Mom) to have dinner with their family and not miss out on what is going on for you too?
Most couples, in the beginning years, try to do all of it. And it has been my experience that they end up enjoying very little of any of it. Too much pressure, too many obligations, too many dinners to juggle...and what if everybody wants to come to YOUR house??? The very remembrance of it all is making my heart pound.
So what is the answer?
How do you "honor" but not "offend"? How do you be inclusive, but not come unglued in the process? It seems to come down to this. You must create your own traditions. All traditions have to start somewhere. Sit down with your spouse and decide what elements of your traditions you both really love. Which ones do not hold such meaning for you today? What are your kids used to that they wouldn't want to give up? What about other family members? Get a clearer picture.
Melodie Beattie also says to celebrate what she calls "Holy Days," not just "Holidays". What she means by this is that we all hold things sacred that have special meaning just for us. Perhaps it is a birthday, a date of someone's passing, a significant anniversary of any event. These are all Holy Days. Decide which days, for you, are Holy.
Once you do this; you can better determine what traditions you really want to keep, what traditions you are ready to release, and what traditions you want to begin just for you. Be creative. I once had a fried who used to make a big deal out of Flag Day...
So if you are one who will be celebrating Passover tonight; enjoy your family and your Seder, and the tradition that honors "This night that is different from all other nights."
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry