C is also for Confession... Which this sort of is...
Last week, I was sick.
I was also tired, angry, overwhelmed, and grieving.
So what did I do?
I took it out on my husband.
Oh, and then I balmed HIM like this was all HIS fault!
Shocking, right? YOU would never do this, right? Yeah, right... So I guess although many of you come to me for relationship advice, I still have a while before PBS will be calling me to join relationship gurus like Wayne Dyer on one of their fundraising specials...
But here is what I learned through this experince, and what I wish to share with you. Within about 14 hours; I realized that I had created this reality, not my husband. It did not take me 14 days, or weeks, or months, or years (like it used to.) I realized that I was "giving my husband grief" over grief that was actually my own.
Within 14 hours, I was also able to apologize. I was able to express some things that I found I was actually feeling scared about; and not angry about at all, even though I was acting like an angry person. Within 14 hours, I was able to lean on him for support instead of pushing him away and trying to deal with things on my own (which is VERY old and VERY familiar habit of mine.) Within 14 hours, I started to feel a little better.
What realities are you creating for yourself? Which of these realities are you creating over and over again, even though they may be worn and outdated? Even though they may have nothing to do with the present moment, person, or situation? What are you still blaming others for, when maybe the answers lie in taking a closer look at yourself?
It's hard for me sometimes. Maybe it's hard sometimes for you, too. If you find you need a hand to hold, you can hold mine. I may not have all of the answers, but at least we can muddle through it together.
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
Earlier this week, I was reading the book: "A World of Ways to Say I Do."
The first page of the book was titled Give Her a Smooch. Apparently, according to research conducted by a life insurance company, men who kiss their wives before they leave for work:
- live an average of five years longer
- are involved in fewer auto accidents
- are ill 50% less time
- earn 20-30% more money
Wow! Relationship building, improving your health, and financial planning all accomplished with one kiss each morning? That's my kind of way to start the day!
P.S. I begin all of my days this way... How about you?
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
The other day I was talking with a bride about how much I love working with couples. Writing and officiating wedding ceremonies, and helping couples create marriages that actually work out. I can think of no higher calling for myself.
Then my bride said to me: "I want to love what I do, like you do." I was going to send some information to her. But then it occured to me that many of the couples I work with are trying to make career changes. Sometimes this is by choice. Often it is by force.
Several years ago, I was in the top 10% of the women's income bracket in the United States while working as a Management Consultant. This was back in the days when corporations still had money to pay for such things. Then one day I realized that I had missed my significant other's birthday because a flight out of Philly was cancelled, my five year old daughter wasn't getting the "mothering" she needed, and I hadn't slept in over a year due to stress. One day I walked away from it all. No benefits, no unemployment, no pay check. But I knew this was what I needed to do.
Now, I am not recommending you do something so severe as that. But what can you do when you desperately need a career change, but still need to pay the bills?
I have a recommendation for two resources to get you thinking in the right direction. One is a book written by a Career Coach that is called 107 Tips: Step Into the Right Career Path. At first glance, this book will appear to be very simple. Trust me. It's not. I have been working on these steps for the past year. I am not through. You can also find this author's website at www.thecareerchanger.com. You can register for free tips by email.
The second resource is another book called Should I Do What I Love? Or Do What I Do - So I Can Do What I Love on the Side? by Katy McColl. This book, like the first, views career transition as the life transition that it is.
So, check it out. If you find that weddings, and new marriages, and paying all the bills, and supporting the kids is all too much and you don't know what to do... Just stop for a minute. Take a breath. And give us a call. 248-430-4224
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
Do you have kids? I invite you to take a moment to ask yourself a question.
I know how demanding it is to take care of the children. The time...the energy...the cooking...the homework...the constant chauffeur service...and the endless mounds of laundry!! Then there are the teachable moments of trying to help them figure out right from wrong and good from bad. Find time to add in your career, your house, and your many other obligations and the very thought of it all is exhausting.
So back to my question. Has taking care of the kids trumped taking care of your relationship with your spouse or significant other? I'm guessing many of you did not have to think for very long to find the answer.
So what can you do? You are not Superwoman (despite what they told you in your Women's Studies class in undergrad...)
Try this. Close the door. I was speaking with a friend who told me that since she and her husband have started closing their bedroom door at night, their relationship has improved. No; not because they have more sex, although maybe they are. I didn't ask. Rather, it is because the simple act of closing the door makes them, and their relationship, important again. In such a subtle way, it reminds them that they are a couple.
I invite you to try closing the door. Of course your children's ages and needs will shape how you can do this. If you can begin with just 20 minutes a couple of times a week, this will probably make a bigger difference than you can image. Put an age appropriate sign on the door and talk to your kids about having time for yourselves. Make the sign say something like: "Knock only in case of emergency. Emergency means fire or blood." You get the point...
I remember reading once about an adult woman who said that all of the years she was growing up, her parents practiced this principle for one hour each and every evening throughout her entire childhood. They must have done something right. Their daughter is now middle-aged, and the parents are happily married still....
Wouldn't you like to have the same?
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
Do the people you love know how much you love them?
"Love is a word.
What matters is the connection that word implies"
- The Matrix Revolutions
Do the words you choose to say to others, or not say, reflect love? Are you kind? Are you attentive? Do your actions show love?
At the beginning of this year, I had performed a wedding ceremony for a couple I had gotten to know quite well. In their ceremony, I pointed out that in the end, it is how they answered the following question with each setting sun that would determine the outcome of their marriage:
"How well did I love today?"
Reflecting back on my own life, I would have to say about my past that the answer was: "Not well." Then life took a turn, forcing me to take a good look at myself. I saw clearly who I was. I saw clearly who I wanted to be.
My Sister, Christine, would be celebrating her 40th birthday today.
I am sharing a poem with you that I wrote when she died three years ago.
I share it because it describes me then.
I share it, more importantly, because it does NOT describe me now.
Tomorrow’s Tears
Written by: Sherry Mullins
copyright August 2007
My sister will die tomorrow.
Twelve hours for her remain.
But now it is a secret.
She lives her life the same.
I have the thought to see her.
Should I stay or should I go?
I go about my busy day.
Just going with the flow.
I’ll go tomorrow, I tell myself.
All will be just fine.
I’m feeling not quite up to it.
She’ll understand this time.
The call comes in at midnight.
Cardiac Arrest.
Please come here to the hospital.
We’re trying to do our best.
When I get there, she’s unconscious.
She can’t see me or my tears.
I hold her hand a moment
As I swallow down my fears.
"Please step out. Her heart rate’s down."
Her doctor says to me.
It’s the last I’ll see her on this earth.
I beg and make my plea.
At six am it’s over.
There’s nothing they could do.
But I could have gone to see her,
A regret I’ll live anew.
Now here it is – tomorrow.
A day that’s filled with tears.
I whisper that “I’m sorry”
As it falls on her deaf ears.
So if there’s someone that you love,
Please tell them so today.
Don’t wait for your tomorrow.
It’s just too far away.
Most of us wait for loss and tragedy to transform us.
Why wait? Why not do it now.
Take the risk to truly, deeply, love and be loved.
Happy Birthday, Christine.
~Your Sister
On Passover, we talked about how to create your holiday traditions and celebrations when your family is growing. What happens, though, when you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum? When those you love are gone from your life?
Perhaps your mother died, or your grandfather doesn't "remember you any more." Perhaps your daughter went off to college, or your fiance went into active service. Perhaps you have moved across county because you could not find work here, and your family and friends are not near. Perhaps you and your spouse are no longer together.
There are many ways people can leave our lives. So where does that leave us? We often miss not only the person who has gone. We miss our routines. We miss our traditions.
Which leads me to: What Ever Happened to Easter?
I was having breakfast with my friend and colleague, Camille, the other morning. We happen to be coming up on Camille's birthday, the first anniversary of her husband's death, AND Easter.
Camille, and some of her Friends, wanted to know:
"What ever happened to Easter?
I want to eat ham!
I want to wear an Easter dress and a hat!"
Camille needed to create a new tradition. She longed to go back to the pleasant nastalgia of the old ways, but she needed to create a new way to do it. She needed a new tradition that fit into her current circumstances and lifestyle.
So, this Easter, they gathered a group of friends to join together for Easter Dinner. Each friend is going to bring a dish from their "good old days" of celebrating Easter or Passover with the friends and family who were once part of their lives. They are literally taking "something old" and mixing it with "something new."
Are there rituals and traditions you want to keep, even though the people you lovingly shared them with are not with you any longer? Ask yourself how you can bring the fond memories of your past into the present time...the present circumstances...with the people who love you and whom you love?
If you find yourself struggling with putting your past in perspective so that you can live more fully in the present, call us.
In the Meantime...Whether today is an opportunity for religious observance, or whether you are simply celebrating the reawakening of spring, Happy Easter!
Rev. Sherry
As part of our continued growth and ongoing desire to be supportive to our couples; both before the wedding and as your marriage unfolds, we have invited a few friends and colleagues to receive our free blog updates by email.
You will get a good idea of the variety of topics we will share if you look at the Posts by Category headings located in the lower right-hand section of our main blog page. For now, you will just see titles there. In the coming days, I will be re-sorting our current posts so you can easily find these in the categries that may be of interest to you. Upcoming blog entries will also fall into these categories.
Feel free to share our blog entries by email or social networking if you wish to share something with a friend. As always, we are not trying to sell anything to you, so of course you may un-subscribe at any time. But stay with us for a bit and see what you may find; whether you are planning your wedding, newly married, or have an interest in relationships and couples.
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
Passover is upon us and I am reminded how participating in traditions we have been a part of over the years holds a special place in our hearts. I also am reminded how complicated celebrating holidays can be when we start combining our lives together as one.
So many families today are blending so many traditions. So many brides and grooms today come from different cultural backgrounds. Or they have different religious observations. So many families today have children from prior marriages. How do the kids find time to go with Dad (or Mom) to have dinner with their family and not miss out on what is going on for you too?
Most couples, in the beginning years, try to do all of it. And it has been my experience that they end up enjoying very little of any of it. Too much pressure, too many obligations, too many dinners to juggle...and what if everybody wants to come to YOUR house??? The very remembrance of it all is making my heart pound.
So what is the answer?
How do you "honor" but not "offend"? How do you be inclusive, but not come unglued in the process? It seems to come down to this. You must create your own traditions. All traditions have to start somewhere. Sit down with your spouse and decide what elements of your traditions you both really love. Which ones do not hold such meaning for you today? What are your kids used to that they wouldn't want to give up? What about other family members? Get a clearer picture.
Melodie Beattie also says to celebrate what she calls "Holy Days," not just "Holidays". What she means by this is that we all hold things sacred that have special meaning just for us. Perhaps it is a birthday, a date of someone's passing, a significant anniversary of any event. These are all Holy Days. Decide which days, for you, are Holy.
Once you do this; you can better determine what traditions you really want to keep, what traditions you are ready to release, and what traditions you want to begin just for you. Be creative. I once had a fried who used to make a big deal out of Flag Day...
So if you are one who will be celebrating Passover tonight; enjoy your family and your Seder, and the tradition that honors "This night that is different from all other nights."
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
I tend to be a person who sees into the future. Before you think I'm just really strange, let me explain....
No, I am not a psychic or a fortune teller. Nor would I would not begin to know how to read your palm or read your cards to tell you what is going to happen next. Some people are good at that, but not me.
What I can do however; is see pretty clearly who we are, what we are, and how we are as we live day to day with ourselves and with others. I am pretty good at seeing the possibilities for who we will become down the road. I am pretty good at seeing how we will create our relationships down the road. There is a sign in my office that says: "If we don't change direction, we will end up where we're going."
So, I would invite you at this time to predict your own future. If you "keep going the same direction," do you like your destination? Are the people you are traveling with good companions? Do you appreciate the journey you are taking? Is it worth it?
For some of you, your answer will be a glorious and resounding "Yes!"
But if your answer is anything other than this, what are you willing and able to do to change course?
If you find yourself pondering your own direction as you are planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, call me. Sometimes all it takes is a tour guide to lead the way. You can think of me as your GPS or your own personal AAA representative...
Besides, how much time and money will you spend on planning your week-long honeymoon? How much time and money will you spend on planning the life you want to have together when you get back home? Isn't "til death do we part" worth more of an investment than that single week?
Only you can answer that question. So, what direction are you headed?
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry