It's Mother's Day. My daughter, Cori, was born the day before Mother's Day, May 11, 1991. The following morning, the nurse wheeled her bassinet into my hospital room. There was a pink sign with a yellow sun on it that read "Happy Mother's Day!" And, indeed it was. A couple of days later, I was sitting with her in the rocking chair in her new nursery at home. I remember so clearly thinking: "Now what do I do?"
Well, my daughter turns 19 in two days. There were countless times since that first day she came home that I asked myself that same question: "Now what?..." But we must have done something right.
Cori is living on her own (and so far hasn't been arrested!!) After supporting her for a year, I am now teaching her to pay some of her own bills. Last week, we met and she said: "Okay, I have $200 to pay bills today." So she is learning the value of paying for your needs before paying for your wants.
She just completed 32 credit hours at OCC and is transferring to OU in the fall. She called me today and was very upset that she only has a B+ GPA, and she was asking if OU would still accept her. When she learned that not only would they accept her, but that her grades had earned her a scholarship, she didn't feel so bad.
Cori also got herself a puppy for her birthday. Before getting the puppy, she found out the costs for vaccinations and a spay, as well as other expenses for bringing home a new dog. I didn't even have to ask. By the time she called me to tell me her plans, she had thought it all through. She has had the puppy for a week now. Yesterday she called, asking for advice, when she realized that it can be hard to be totally responsible for another living being, even though it happens to be "cute and cuddly". She said she was tired and all she wanted to do was rest, so she put puppy on the bed where she can keep an eye on her. Now you and I both know what happened next. Puppy peed on the bed. So much for rest... I assured her that puppy was only doing what puppies can be expected to do... and that it would not last forever... and that she was "a good Mom".. and hang in there. (And okay, I was silently thinking Thank God it's only a puppy! If you have a daughter who is a young adult, I know you were thinking the same thing.)
So this Mother's Day, I'm realize: "She turned out alright." Not only is she a good kid, she is really a human being to be proud of, by anyone's standards. Now so you don't think she was just a privileged kid from the start, I can say "No, that is not the case" and leave it at that. Some days we wondered if either of us would come out alive.
So whether your kids are two, or twenty-two, or fourty-two; stand by them. When they get it wrong, gently tell them so. When they get it right, really tell them so. And when you know that they need to figure it out themselves, tell them nothing and let them figure it out themselves... so you don't have to come back later with the proverbial "I told you so..."
So, Happy Mother's Day. Be proud of the moments you get it right. Be gentle with the moments you get it wrong. I will all be worth while. I told you so...
And did you know that the Birmingham Mother's Center meets in our chapel, and that their focus is on supporting mothers of kids who are in college or who are heading off to college? If you want more information, call me.
In the Meantime Be Well, Rev. Sherry
Sometimes we make big decisions, and life changes. We decide to marry, or we decide to go off our birth control to "see what happens..."
Sometimes we make little decisions, and life changes. We decide to say what is really on our minds, and we don't even try to be nice about it; but we know we will be loved anyway. (Thanks, Tom, for being in my corner... even though I was not very reasonable at 9:00 last night.)
Sometimes other people make big decisions, and life changes. Your Grandma decides to move across county (with her boyfriend!) and although you are thrilled for her, you are sad for yourself because when she goes, "home" goes with her. (I hate to see you go, Grandma, but I'm glad to see you happy and loved.)
Sometimes other people make little decisions, and life changes. You say to someone that you saw a blouse in the Hospice Resale, and when you got home, you were sorry you didn't get it. Then, the same blouse shows up in your mail with a note that says: "I hope this was the one..." (Thanks, Sandra, Yes it was just right. I got it today.)
Life changes. It's a fact. And I think that all in all this is good. I guess for myself that if life didn't change; I would appreciate very little of the goodness I see every day, and I would surely be bored. But the cost of this is that some changes are easy and some changes are hard. Some changes bring joy almost instantly, and some changes take a while to become merely tolerable. I can live with that. And I can live with all of the ups and downs of that.
Tonight I don't have any advice. Only observations... as well as love, and a whole host of other emotions. I also have my husband dozing by my side, and two cats purring in my lap. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up to feed the birds and start another day. So while some things change, other things stay the same, and this seems to balance things out a bit.This too is good.
But what if you are not in balance? Are things changing for you, too? How are you doing with that? Or are things constantly the same? How are you doing with that?
Whatever your circumstance, I wish you well...
Rev. Sherry
The other day I was talking with a bride about how much I love working with couples. Writing and officiating wedding ceremonies, and helping couples create marriages that actually work out. I can think of no higher calling for myself.
Then my bride said to me: "I want to love what I do, like you do." I was going to send some information to her. But then it occured to me that many of the couples I work with are trying to make career changes. Sometimes this is by choice. Often it is by force.
Several years ago, I was in the top 10% of the women's income bracket in the United States while working as a Management Consultant. This was back in the days when corporations still had money to pay for such things. Then one day I realized that I had missed my significant other's birthday because a flight out of Philly was cancelled, my five year old daughter wasn't getting the "mothering" she needed, and I hadn't slept in over a year due to stress. One day I walked away from it all. No benefits, no unemployment, no pay check. But I knew this was what I needed to do.
Now, I am not recommending you do something so severe as that. But what can you do when you desperately need a career change, but still need to pay the bills?
I have a recommendation for two resources to get you thinking in the right direction. One is a book written by a Career Coach that is called 107 Tips: Step Into the Right Career Path. At first glance, this book will appear to be very simple. Trust me. It's not. I have been working on these steps for the past year. I am not through. You can also find this author's website at www.thecareerchanger.com. You can register for free tips by email.
The second resource is another book called Should I Do What I Love? Or Do What I Do - So I Can Do What I Love on the Side? by Katy McColl. This book, like the first, views career transition as the life transition that it is.
So, check it out. If you find that weddings, and new marriages, and paying all the bills, and supporting the kids is all too much and you don't know what to do... Just stop for a minute. Take a breath. And give us a call. 248-430-4224
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
Do the people you love know how much you love them?
"Love is a word.
What matters is the connection that word implies"
- The Matrix Revolutions
Do the words you choose to say to others, or not say, reflect love? Are you kind? Are you attentive? Do your actions show love?
At the beginning of this year, I had performed a wedding ceremony for a couple I had gotten to know quite well. In their ceremony, I pointed out that in the end, it is how they answered the following question with each setting sun that would determine the outcome of their marriage:
"How well did I love today?"
Reflecting back on my own life, I would have to say about my past that the answer was: "Not well." Then life took a turn, forcing me to take a good look at myself. I saw clearly who I was. I saw clearly who I wanted to be.
My Sister, Christine, would be celebrating her 40th birthday today.
I am sharing a poem with you that I wrote when she died three years ago.
I share it because it describes me then.
I share it, more importantly, because it does NOT describe me now.
Tomorrow’s Tears
Written by: Sherry Mullins
copyright August 2007
My sister will die tomorrow.
Twelve hours for her remain.
But now it is a secret.
She lives her life the same.
I have the thought to see her.
Should I stay or should I go?
I go about my busy day.
Just going with the flow.
I’ll go tomorrow, I tell myself.
All will be just fine.
I’m feeling not quite up to it.
She’ll understand this time.
The call comes in at midnight.
Cardiac Arrest.
Please come here to the hospital.
We’re trying to do our best.
When I get there, she’s unconscious.
She can’t see me or my tears.
I hold her hand a moment
As I swallow down my fears.
"Please step out. Her heart rate’s down."
Her doctor says to me.
It’s the last I’ll see her on this earth.
I beg and make my plea.
At six am it’s over.
There’s nothing they could do.
But I could have gone to see her,
A regret I’ll live anew.
Now here it is – tomorrow.
A day that’s filled with tears.
I whisper that “I’m sorry”
As it falls on her deaf ears.
So if there’s someone that you love,
Please tell them so today.
Don’t wait for your tomorrow.
It’s just too far away.
Most of us wait for loss and tragedy to transform us.
Why wait? Why not do it now.
Take the risk to truly, deeply, love and be loved.
Happy Birthday, Christine.
~Your Sister
On Passover, we talked about how to create your holiday traditions and celebrations when your family is growing. What happens, though, when you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum? When those you love are gone from your life?
Perhaps your mother died, or your grandfather doesn't "remember you any more." Perhaps your daughter went off to college, or your fiance went into active service. Perhaps you have moved across county because you could not find work here, and your family and friends are not near. Perhaps you and your spouse are no longer together.
There are many ways people can leave our lives. So where does that leave us? We often miss not only the person who has gone. We miss our routines. We miss our traditions.
Which leads me to: What Ever Happened to Easter?
I was having breakfast with my friend and colleague, Camille, the other morning. We happen to be coming up on Camille's birthday, the first anniversary of her husband's death, AND Easter.
Camille, and some of her Friends, wanted to know:
"What ever happened to Easter?
I want to eat ham!
I want to wear an Easter dress and a hat!"
Camille needed to create a new tradition. She longed to go back to the pleasant nastalgia of the old ways, but she needed to create a new way to do it. She needed a new tradition that fit into her current circumstances and lifestyle.
So, this Easter, they gathered a group of friends to join together for Easter Dinner. Each friend is going to bring a dish from their "good old days" of celebrating Easter or Passover with the friends and family who were once part of their lives. They are literally taking "something old" and mixing it with "something new."
Are there rituals and traditions you want to keep, even though the people you lovingly shared them with are not with you any longer? Ask yourself how you can bring the fond memories of your past into the present time...the present circumstances...with the people who love you and whom you love?
If you find yourself struggling with putting your past in perspective so that you can live more fully in the present, call us.
In the Meantime...Whether today is an opportunity for religious observance, or whether you are simply celebrating the reawakening of spring, Happy Easter!
Rev. Sherry
So this morning at 9AM my Assistant, Colleen showed up. I had just gotten out of the shower, was cleaning my husbands bathroom sink, the business phone was ringing, and I was trying to ask Colleen to grab a table from the garage before she got in and took her coat off. Then she couldn't find the table, and I couldn't find the table...so I had to call my handyman to ask him where he put it. (Found it!)
Prior to this; I had edited photos for the website, arranged two meetings with brides, cleaned out the leftovers in the fridge, read an article on kitchen updates, and rearranged my email folders. My Mom is saying: "Sherry, you didn't used to get out of bed until 10!
Women's lives seem to go this way. Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote in 1955:
For life today in America is based on the premise of ever-widening circles of contact and communication...that involves myriad demands...My mind reels with it. What a circus act we women perform every day of our lives. It puts the trapeze artist to shame. Look at us. We run a tight rope daily...still under control.
That was written 55 years ago. Look at us today!
So I wish to share with you a little saintly advice...
Prayer to Our Lady of Deadlines
Hear me in my urgent plea that I may survive the ravages of extreme deadlines. Banish all thoughts of procrastination from my mind, and give me the strength to endure endless hours of time pressure without all the ill-effects of stress. Release me from the power of the clock tick, tick, ticking away. And with the most fervent desire of my soul I ask that I make it through this deadline without tearing out all my hair or losing my mind once again.
(I found this on a candle from Every Day Icons in Shoreline, WA from 2000)
So, give yourself time each day to do the tasks which need to get done...work, family, wedding planning, and all else. Give yourself time too to rest when you need so you can recharge.
As for me? At noon I am going to take my daughter out for a cup of coffee, and this evening we are having dinner with family. What doesn't get done will still be there the greet me tomorrow morning. All is well.
Rev. Sherry
As part of our continued growth and ongoing desire to be supportive to our couples; both before the wedding and as your marriage unfolds, we have invited a few friends and colleagues to receive our free blog updates by email.
You will get a good idea of the variety of topics we will share if you look at the Posts by Category headings located in the lower right-hand section of our main blog page. For now, you will just see titles there. In the coming days, I will be re-sorting our current posts so you can easily find these in the categries that may be of interest to you. Upcoming blog entries will also fall into these categories.
Feel free to share our blog entries by email or social networking if you wish to share something with a friend. As always, we are not trying to sell anything to you, so of course you may un-subscribe at any time. But stay with us for a bit and see what you may find; whether you are planning your wedding, newly married, or have an interest in relationships and couples.
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
Passover is upon us and I am reminded how participating in traditions we have been a part of over the years holds a special place in our hearts. I also am reminded how complicated celebrating holidays can be when we start combining our lives together as one.
So many families today are blending so many traditions. So many brides and grooms today come from different cultural backgrounds. Or they have different religious observations. So many families today have children from prior marriages. How do the kids find time to go with Dad (or Mom) to have dinner with their family and not miss out on what is going on for you too?
Most couples, in the beginning years, try to do all of it. And it has been my experience that they end up enjoying very little of any of it. Too much pressure, too many obligations, too many dinners to juggle...and what if everybody wants to come to YOUR house??? The very remembrance of it all is making my heart pound.
So what is the answer?
How do you "honor" but not "offend"? How do you be inclusive, but not come unglued in the process? It seems to come down to this. You must create your own traditions. All traditions have to start somewhere. Sit down with your spouse and decide what elements of your traditions you both really love. Which ones do not hold such meaning for you today? What are your kids used to that they wouldn't want to give up? What about other family members? Get a clearer picture.
Melodie Beattie also says to celebrate what she calls "Holy Days," not just "Holidays". What she means by this is that we all hold things sacred that have special meaning just for us. Perhaps it is a birthday, a date of someone's passing, a significant anniversary of any event. These are all Holy Days. Decide which days, for you, are Holy.
Once you do this; you can better determine what traditions you really want to keep, what traditions you are ready to release, and what traditions you want to begin just for you. Be creative. I once had a fried who used to make a big deal out of Flag Day...
So if you are one who will be celebrating Passover tonight; enjoy your family and your Seder, and the tradition that honors "This night that is different from all other nights."
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
What gives you joy? We can all find the joy in a wedding celebration. But what about every day? Do you notice?
The other day, I promised to tell you about the little old lady with blue hair... So here it is. I went to the salon to get my hair done and across from me, there was a little old lady with blue hair who was getting a little old lady hair style. I was watching her in her mirror, so I could see both what the stylist was doing and I could see the look on the little old lady's face.
After a while, I glanced back just as the stylist was wrapping up. I am so glad that I did. She looked beautiful! And she knew she looked beautiful. She was raving to the stylist about what a good job she had done with her hair. Then she proceeded to tell the gal sitting next to her about herself....How she was born in 1923, and how things have changed over the years. She told her about her family, and her late husband.
I wanted to cry. I realized that being in the presence of little old ladies with blue hair gives me joy. The ones with a little spunk REALLY give me joy. I don't know if it's because they remind me of my favorite grandmother. I don't know if I just hope to be a little old lady with spunk myself some day. But just looking at her, and hearing her story made me happy anf grateful.
What brings you joy? Take time to notice... As author Melodie Beattie says: "Choose Joy. Then cherish and savor it.
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry
I tend to be a person who sees into the future. Before you think I'm just really strange, let me explain....
No, I am not a psychic or a fortune teller. Nor would I would not begin to know how to read your palm or read your cards to tell you what is going to happen next. Some people are good at that, but not me.
What I can do however; is see pretty clearly who we are, what we are, and how we are as we live day to day with ourselves and with others. I am pretty good at seeing the possibilities for who we will become down the road. I am pretty good at seeing how we will create our relationships down the road. There is a sign in my office that says: "If we don't change direction, we will end up where we're going."
So, I would invite you at this time to predict your own future. If you "keep going the same direction," do you like your destination? Are the people you are traveling with good companions? Do you appreciate the journey you are taking? Is it worth it?
For some of you, your answer will be a glorious and resounding "Yes!"
But if your answer is anything other than this, what are you willing and able to do to change course?
If you find yourself pondering your own direction as you are planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, call me. Sometimes all it takes is a tour guide to lead the way. You can think of me as your GPS or your own personal AAA representative...
Besides, how much time and money will you spend on planning your week-long honeymoon? How much time and money will you spend on planning the life you want to have together when you get back home? Isn't "til death do we part" worth more of an investment than that single week?
Only you can answer that question. So, what direction are you headed?
Be Well,
Rev. Sherry